I have always had close girlfriends.  I get along fine with guys, too (my best friend and spouse is a guy, after all), but I have always had significantly more female friends than male.  I admit, I took them for granted for many years.  I wasn’t popular in high school, but I had a close group of friends who were great.  In college, I was in a sorority and had a number of friends outside that arena as well.  I never had trouble making friends as an adult, either, until I moved to a small island in the Pacific Northwest, a place with a year-round population of about 5000.  I wasn’t working outside the house, my husband was telecommuting, and I had no easy way to make friends.  It took years to get to know other women on the island.  That was a very dark period for me and the point at which I came to realize how vital it is for me to have other women in my life.

Today I have more girlfriends than ever before.  I’m still friends with those with whom I’ve stayed in contact over the years, of course, and I’ve added several new ones in our town in New Jersey (we’ve lived here exactly 2 years.)  But the Internet has also brought many women into my life who I otherwise would never have known.  It began with our decision to adopt our daughter from China.  I met many other adoptive parents online, some of whom are now such close friends that we’ve traveled across the country to see each other on several occasions.  One of them, I even went to Paris with for a long weekend.  Now, social networking sites like Facebook have brought old friends I never thought I’d hear from again back into my life.  And, of course, being an active part of the literary community has hooked me up with people who have become very dear friends, both in my MFA program and beyond.

The thing is, I still didn’t realize how valuable that is, and how lucky I am, until recently when I had something happen health-wise.  Because it’s October, and October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I’ll go ahead and admit that I’m in the middle of a breast cancer scare.  It’s probably all going to be ok, but until I know that for certain, it’s…well…it’s been stressful.  Heh.  When I was at the peak of my terror (the day my doctor called me to tell me something looked bad on my mammogram and sonogram and that I would have to see a surgeon with that specialty) my girlfriends came out of the woodwork, from all aspects and periods of my life and from all across North America, to comfort and support me.  They all said something different and each thing was just what I needed to hear.

Many of them still don’t know the news.  And some won’t know what to say, but will be there for me in other ways, even if just in their thoughts.  Some of them have been through this themselves and have offered their own experiences.  I am SO grateful to have that support.  It has made all the difference.

I know women who don’t really like other women that much.  Some women feel threatened by other women, and some just seem to click better with guys.  I feel sad for these people, because they really don’t know what they’re missing and how valuable a good girlfriend can be, and not just when you’re in trouble, either.  I had lunch with my friend from up the street today, and although we talked about the breast cancer thing, it didn’t come until the very end.  Most of the time, we just talked about whatever.  And it was such a positive, affirming, fun thing to just be able to hang out and talk about stuff.  I was energized by it.  I realized I don’t spend enough time with her and that I need to make dates to hang out with my women friends more often.

It’s curious that more female poets don’t write about their friendships with other women.  Even Maxine Kumin and Anne Sexton — dear friends and writing partners for years — didn’t. (That I know of, anyway. I haven’t read everything they’ve ever written.) Perhaps it’s too sentimental a topic to do well.  I may have to think about how it could be accomplished without disintegrating into a mass of oversweet goo.  A challenge.